he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
