Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
