Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My breasts were aching with rage.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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