i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
