I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
