my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
