dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
