I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
