I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
