I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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