We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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