My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
