census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i drank out of a bidet.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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