I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
