just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
