Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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