she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
