the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
