is your mom at the bar?
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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