I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
