I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
