I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
