I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Found your dick twin last night
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
