Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The best revenge is premature balding
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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