honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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