I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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