He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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