she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
