I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
