I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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