miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
