i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
