he told me I talked like a deaf person
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
