I am midnight drunk by noon
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
