Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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