she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
