A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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