My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
