Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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