There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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