omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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