i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
