I wannas sexs uuuuu
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
