do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
