So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
