I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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