so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
