I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
