Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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