I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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