Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
