I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
kristin has been a bad kristin
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Everclear isn't food dammit
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
