i think my tv is drunk
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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