I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
