There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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