Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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