one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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