God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
