Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
